… about pornography. Yes, I do talk to friends about this. I was texting a close friend I’ve know more than thirty years. I talk to friends about the effects of pornography in our lives. We share our worries and frustrations in dealing with this plague in our precious families. I worry about my sons and grandsons, daughters and granddaughters. How does this affect them? How will it affect them? I worry about my nieces and nephews, my friends, my associates. This is something to be worried about and dealt with.
I will share a part of the text conversation I had a few days ago with my friend. This is real. This happens. We were talking about an issue of pornography in her life. It opened my eyes.
Me: I pray for our boys. I worry about them. It is super scary!
My friend: It must be confronted. It thrives in secrecy. Do not ignore it!
Me: You’re right, and I don’t ignore it. They wish I would quit talking to them about it.
My friend: I can tell anyone who wants to know, how it makes a wife feel.
Me: Betrayed? Traumatized?
My friend: Betrayed. Worthless. And the hope for the end (of the addiction) will diminish into disappointment and being DONE! Trust is stripped away little by little. It IS an addiction! It is messing up their brains!
Me: It is such a sad tale … and so many going through it. Most of the focus is on the husbands, but the wives are definitely affected by it also! A lot!
My friend: Oh, one does not understand the other person either way. The key is empathy in both directions. They must try to understand each other. BUT the addicted MUST take full and complete accountability for the addiction!! The spouse will be destroyed trying to be a babysitter! It is NOT their job to fix someone else’s problem.
Me: You’re so right!!
My friend: The other will fall into all kinds of resentments and regrets trying to keep the addicted away from their addiction! They can not do it!
Me: Wow! Those are wise words.
My friend: I have been affected by this very completely. I want so much to help parents of young children to understand what it is—what it does!
Me: That would be such a good thing.
My friend: … and the youth! Ooh, they are bombarded! And then our young fathers and mothers are seeing the terrible pain!
Me: Satan’s wicked, wicked plan.
My friend: I’m learning. But not fast enough! There are things we can do. Support is first. Support to seek HELP.
Me: Good to know.
My friend: The addicted seldom overcome on their own! If one does not believe it is a problem, they will not seek to correct it!
Me: Right!
My friend: You got me on my soap box, but I need to go.
Me: Ok. Good talking. I love you!!!
My friend: I love you too! Never give up!
Addictions of all kinds affect both genders. This is just one example of what an addiction can do to a relationship. An addiction of any kind, if not addressed, can tear away at and crumble the foundation of a healthy relationship. Love for self, love for a spouse or family is in jeopardy when the focus is on the addiction—when the addict is focused on his or her next fix of drugs, alcohol, porn—or any other thing.
Addictions are difficult to talk about, they thrive in secrecy, and cause much heartache, BUT information, hope, and help are increasing. For most, mastery over addiction takes more than prayer and determination. Recovery is not a “solo sport”. If a person does not want to overcome their addiction, no one can help them, but if someone has the desire to overcome, help is available.
I agree with my friend, that support is first—support to seek HELP. Neither judging nor lecturing will help. Support, understanding, and encouragement will help. I am not pointing my finger at anyone. I make mistakes too, and hope my family and friends will forgive me when I make them. Addiction is a huge and real problem right now. My hope is that we will look at addiction in a new light—seek to support, and seek to overcome—for the good of all.